I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Randomize
