he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
