I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
