his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
