I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
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Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
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I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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