Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
