i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
