Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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