My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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