Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
