You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
