Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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