I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
