Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Randomize
