why didn't you poke me back
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
