Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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