I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
