just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
