Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
