I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Randomize
