"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
