I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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