I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
