i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
