i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Randomize
