Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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