I think my vagina is haunted
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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