These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
