I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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