When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
