Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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