Just fell off a train. Bad.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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