I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
