you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
