Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
