Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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