i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
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