If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
