Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
