you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
