I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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