I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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