true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
