The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
