I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
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Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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