I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Randomize
