So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
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