The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
