Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
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I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
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He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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