i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
don't judge my taste in strippers
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
