I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
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