Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
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