It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
