youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
