Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
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