Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
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