Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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