I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
