um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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