This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
